So Bad It’s Just Bad

An hour after leaving a screening of the brand new Borderlands film, directed by Eli Roth (Hostel) and starring Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Ariana Greenblatt, I’m looking at a blinking cursor in a clean Google Doc, urging inspiration to strike.

Absolutely a live-action film based mostly on the wildly profitable edgelord online game franchise from 2K and Gearbox would encourage a pair hundred phrases, proper? Absolutely the star-studded solid, which incorporates a number of Oscar winners (and Jack Black), would immediate a spark of creativity. Absolutely the colourful visuals, cacophonous explosions, and poop and pee jokes would destroy the author’s block dam, sending forth a surge of witty phrases and succinct sentences. However I’m at a loss.

Borderlands is not only unhealthy, it’s miserable.

On the border of a breakdown

I noticed Borderlands at an early screening at Alamo Drafthouse, throughout which cosplay was inspired. Nobody wore costumes, and the theater was solemnly silent, as if we had been about to observe archival video of the deadliest WWII battle or discovered footage from 9/11. R-rated trailers aired earlier than it, prompting me to query if this film, directed by Roth (identified for his gory, gross violence), was rated R (it’s not).

Earlier than I’ve an opportunity to double-check the score, Cate Blanchett’s voice echoes by the theater. “Way back, our galaxy was dominated by an alien race,” she intones, sounding bizarrely flat for an extremely proficient actor who endeavored to ship a enjoyable, frenetic efficiency in one other superficial flick: 2017’s Thor: Ragnarok. I’m instantly assaulted by aggressive, slap-dash cuts and shimmery CGI pictures of weapons, neon indicators, and Psychos, as Blanchett (who performs Lilith, a personality who impressed early-twenties me a lot I acquired one among her quotes tattooed) offers us the plot overview with as a lot power as a ‘50s housewife who frequently mixes temper stabilizers and martinis.

Lilith tells us that the Eridians laid the inspiration of this galaxy, then disappeared, abandoning a secret vault hidden on the planet Pandora, inside that are highly effective relics of the long-lost civilization. “That appears like some wacko B.S., huh?” Blanchett asks. I stifle a groan with an enormous chunk of my burger. Fairly than giving moviegoers the free-wheeling wanderlust that the Borderlands video games provide, the movie is extremely linear and simple: Lilith, a bounty hunter, is employed by the pinnacle of arms producer Atlas Industries to trace down his daughter Tiny Tina on the planet Pandora.

We’re launched to nearly all the major solid somewhat shortly: Hart as Roland, Greenblatt as Tiny Tina, Florian Munteanu as a Psycho named Kreig. Roland breaks Tiny Tina out of some type of facility by the use of a reasonably bland motion sequence, throughout which he punches a guard and calls him a “faux Stormtrooper-ass bitch.” I suppose which means Star Wars exists within the Borderlands universe? It doesn’t enhance after this.

When you instructed me Borderlands used AI for its dialogue, I’d consider you with out query. Practically each line that’s uttered with the type of faux peppiness I’d reserve for my elementary faculty cheer competitions is both a limp-dicked “edgy” joke that wouldn’t warrant a single Reddit upvote or a cliche phrase like “I’m too previous for this shit” and “This has been a actually lengthy day.” I may depend on one hand the strains that had been completely real—or at the very least not dripping with a lot snark they had been nearly sticky. There isn’t a humanity right here, simply humorless people.

When a needle-drop of Muse’s “Supermassive Black Gap” bleeds right into a scene by which it’s taking part in over the audio system in a Pandoran bar, I practically slam my head onto the desk. What are we doing right here?

We have to discuss Tina

Blissfully, Borderlands isn’t that lengthy of a film, and the breakneck velocity at which the movie is paced means we meet Jamie Lee Curtis’ Tannis simply earlier than I want a pee break (I chugged a beer). Curtis performs her with a socially awkward twitchiness that I didn’t count on from the actor, and whereas it’s at the very least an try at imbuing the character with a persona, it’s extremely grating. However once more, she tried—Blanchett is phoning it in, Hart has no enterprise taking part in the straight man, and Greenblatt is doing the most effective she will be able to with materials that’s based mostly on a white character doing a blaccent (which the movie, fortunately, avoids). However even she will be able to’t save a line learn that requires her to say “badonkadonk” within the 12 months of our lord 2024.

And in addition, to not be ageist, however why the fuck is everybody so previous? Lilith is 22 years previous within the authentic Borderlands sport and Tannis is in her thirties—except for the star energy afforded by casting Blanchett and Curtis, the one cause for growing older up these characters is to allow them to play matronly figures to Greenblatt’s Tina.

And therein lies the primary drawback: centering Tina. The plot revolves round her believing she is the kid of Eridia and the important thing to opening the vault, and the movie hinges all the emotional weight on a personality who wears a bunny-ear headband and throws explosive teddy bears at folks whereas spewing one-liners like a sugar-crazed 11-year-old in a Fortnite foyer. She doesn’t encourage any type of empathy, even with Greenblatt’s valiant efforts and Blanchett’s solely actual performing going down of their scenes collectively. It’s like making a Gears of Struggle film with a Carmine brother on the middle—it’s going to be annoying from the soar.

All of this takes place in a bizarre CGI world that often appears respectable however is extra typically an illegible green-screen mess of explosions or muddy, darkish, murky nonsense. Lilith’s flame-orange hair and comedian guide costume set in opposition to a dusty, bland panorama and broken-down industrial buildings is visually and tonally jarring—it’s just like the filmmakers acquired midway to creating a film impressed by the cel-shaded world of Borderlands after which dumped all of it onto the units used for the Halo sequence. Talking of costumes, I’d like to know what the funds was for push-up bras. Tannis, Mad Moxxi, and Lilith all have their breasts pushed up so excessive they’re practically of their throats—it’s so desperately 2006, so harking back to the Victoria’s Secret Vogue Present, that I couldn’t assist however giggle. Boobs, am I proper?

By the point the movie ends and Jack Black’s Claptrap pops up on display through the credit to lament the lack of his Easter egg, I’m able to go house and cleanse my palate. I want some correct aughts trashiness, some costly needle drops, and a few questionable costumes. I get house, plop down on the sofa, and activate Gossip Woman. At the very least this has persona.

The Borderlands film isn’t so good it’s shocking, and it’s not so unhealthy it’s price a hate-watch. It’s merely unhappy. It seems like the results of a bunch of fits who sat round a shiny mahogany desk (like in that one Key and Peele sketch) and reminisced concerning the early aughts, a time earlier than the monetary disaster, a time when the time period “cancel” was reserved just for tv exhibits, a time when Muse was one of many largest rock bands on the planet.

It’s devoid of humanity and persona, regardless of making an attempt very, very exhausting to ascertain that it’s quirky. It’s the lady with frozen peas on her head within the grocery retailer aisle—she’s so crazzzzzyy, love her! It mustn’t exist.

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